Marriage & Divorce 1

Have you had to deal with the fallout from a divorce?  Either your own divorce, or the divorce of a close family member?  Divorce has affected all of us in one way or another.  This is why it is so important to have a biblical framework for how we live our life, and also how we advise others who might be dealing with this issue right now.

We can’t talk about marriage and divorce without talking about being single.  This is where it all begins.  If your relationship with your former spouse went south, this is where it started going off the rails, whether you realized it or not.  So, this week we will deal with being single, then over the next two weeks we will deal with marriage, divorce and remarriage.  

You can be single for various reasons.  You can find yourself single, because your too young to get married.  You’re old enough, but you’ve just never been married.  You can be single because your spouse passed away.  And because you’ve been divorced.  Regardless of how…you are now currently single.

What are the biblical ground rules for being single?  

Rule 1 - It’s OK to be single.

The Apostle Paul had a lot to say about this topic in His first letter to the Corinthian church.  I believe Paul had a bias toward being single, because he was single when he wrote 1 Corinthians.  

I don’t think Paul was always single.  Paul’s wife probably died during child birth, as a lot of women did in the ancient world. 

He probably had a wife when he was younger, because all Jewish men were required to get married.  This was a part of Jewish, and Roman law.  This is why it was so controversial for him to tell the Corinthians it was ok not to be married.

1 Corinthians 7:26-27 “26 I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is. 27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife.”

This does not seem like such a big deal until you know this.

Roman law actually said that if you were divorced, you had 18 months to get remarried, and if you were widowed, you had 24 months to get remarried.  And if you didn’t, and someone found out, they could take you to court.  If you were found guilty of being single for too long, the person who ratted you out was awarded half of your property and belongings.

Why did they care so much?  Because they wanted more little Romans.  The emperor was trying to put an end to all the young men divorcing the women that their parents had set them up with and just running wild with no responsibility to have children.

Paul goes against the grain and the law when he says that being single is a fine option for a Christian.  For Paul, it’s how you conduct yourself while being single that is the big issue.  He lays out the benefits of being single in 1 Corinthians.

1 Corinthians 7:32-34 “32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 

Rule 2 - Focus on God.

Once you stop and think about it, it makes perfect sense, that if you are a Christian, your time as a single person should be spent focusing on God and His plan for your life.  Because once you are married, your concern should be for your family.  

But if you are just living your life for yourself, like most people do. You’re going to be concerned about what you want and how to get ahead in this world.  As a single believer, if you’re going to be concerned about something, it’s better for you to be concerned about the things of the Lord.  You should be concerned about how to please the Lord.  God should be your main focus.

1 Corinthians 7:35-38 “35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. 36 If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. 37 But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. 38 So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.

Clearly, Paul is totally good with you wanting to go ahead and get married, so why does he say it would be better to refrain?  It’s because of this “present distress.”  Back in verse 26 he says there is something serious going on.  

We are not told specifically what this present distress was that he is talking about.  But clearly, he was saying that during this period of a local famine or overall persecution of the church that had begun.  Whatever it is, it would be easier for you, if you remained single.  This was Paul’s overall advice for the Corinthian church.

Paul’s instructions to them assumed that they already had identified someone to marry.  For us today, if you have decided that you’d like to get married, you first must begin the dating process.  

What are the biblical ground rules for dating?

Rule number 1 - Don’t be tied to an unbeliever.

2 Corinthians 6:14-16 “14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God;…”

Why is God so against you, as a Christian, dating an unbeliever?

Because they will pull your heart away from God.  “Not me.  I’m a strong Christian, I’m gonna pull them over to my side.”  Will you now?  I’m not saying that’s impossible, but the odds are very against you.  If you agree to begin a dating relationship with an unbeliever, you’ve already taken a step in their direction.  

You’ve shown them that your relationship with them is more important than your relationship with God…just like Solomon did.

1 Kings 11:1-5 “Now King Solomon loved many foreign women, along with the daughter of Pharaoh: Moabite, Ammonite, Edomite, Sidonian, and Hittite women, 2 from the nations concerning which the Lord had said to the people of Israel, “You shall not enter into marriage with them, neither shall they with you, for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods.” Solomon clung to these in love. 3 He had 700 wives, who were princesses, and 300 concubines. And his wives turned away his heart. 4 For when Solomon was old his wives turned away his heart after other gods, and his heart was not wholly true to the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father. 5 For Solomon went after Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and after Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites.”

So, how do you think God felt about Solomon abandoning his loyalty to Him?  

1 Kings 11:6-8 “6 So Solomon did what was evil in the sight of the Lord and did not wholly follow the Lord, as David his father had done. 7 Then Solomon built a high place for Chemosh the abomination of Moab, and for Molech the abomination of the Ammonites, on the mountain east of Jerusalem. 8 And so he did for all his foreign wives, who made offerings and sacrificed to their gods.”

God says He considers it evil to not wholly follow Him.  Basically, you cannot divide your loyalty.  God is not interested in sharing your heart.  Pick a side and remain loyal to it.

How do I know if I’m dating a believer?  If you are having feelings for someone and they for you…you can’t just ask them if they are a Christian or do they go to church.  That is not proof that they are surrendered to Jesus.  As a believer yourself, you shouldn’t even have to ask them.  You just have to look at one thing.  Is there real evidence in their life, that they are surrendered to Jesus?  

And here is the main thing we have to guard against.  Our challenge is that we will want to look for the evidence with our heart instead of our brain.  We overlook obvious evidence that clearly says this person is not a believer.  And we over emphasize any small evidence that could lead us to believe they might possibly be a Christian.  

If you have to squint and turn your head sideways, just to see a tiny amount of, what might be evidence…Guess what?  You are not looking at a believer.  Should you abandon them?  No.  You should be their friend.  You should witness to them.  You should invite them to join you at church.  But you should not date them…and you should tell them why.

You need to get to know someone before you start dating them.  And here comes the next rule for dating.

Rule 2 - Cohabitation is not OK.

A trial run won’t help your odds of staying together.

Living together will not help you get to know each other, it will create familiarity, way too soon in your relationship.  The thing that destroys a lot of close relationships is familiarity.  When you become too familiar with someone, you will naturally relax your desire to treat them with respect.  You will also feel completely comfortable crossing lines that should not be crossed.  This is the beginning of the end for a relationship.

A Christian dating relationship should not involve Cohabitation.  And yet, about 70% of young couples do it.  If you follow that statistical trend, you will also follow this statistical trend.  Cohabitation results in 50% higher chance of divorce.

Now you may be saying, “The bible doesn’t have a verse that specifically says we can’t live together.”  And to that I would say, you are 100% correct.  But do you know what other behavior the Bible doesn’t have a specific verse that prohibits it?  Smoking meth.  

Do you really need a verse that specifically says it’s a terrible idea to smoke meth?  That it will destroy every relationship you have with both family and friends?  If you do, then I’m wasting my time talking to you, because you’ve already decided you don’t want God to make the rules you live by…you want to make them.  You want to be the god of your life.  And by all means you are free to do that.  I can’t stop you, and neither will God.

Having said that, why do I believe the Bible is against living together?  Because it leads to something the Bible is very specific about.  Fornication.  Sex before marriage, or fortification, is the result of cohabitation.  Fornication is a general term for sexual immorality. Fornication involves engaging in sexual relations before marriage or between two people who are not yet married.  There are plenty of of verses that talk about fornication or sexual misconduct.  Guess what the next rule is.

Rule 3 - Premarital sex is not OK.

Oh, but you don’t understand, we love each other and we are going to get married.  OK, do it then…get married.  If you’re so sure, what’s the hold up?  If you don’t want to get married, but you still like having the benefits of marriage, you know, living together and sex…the bible has a name for this kind of relationship.  She’s not your wife or your girlfriend, she’s your concubine.

Premarital sex does not turn a girlfriend into a common law wife.  It turns a girlfriend into a concubine.  The difference between a concubine and a wife is that a concubine has no rights when the relationship ends.  When a marital relationship ends, a wife has rights according to the law.  But a concubine can be kicked out into the street and left to fend for herself when things go south.

But I would never do that.  I know you wouldn’t today, while you still feel all this emotional “love.”  But real true love cares for the well being of the other person for the long haul…after the feelings calm down and the familiarity sets in.  That’s when you will need to rely on the commitment that you’ve made to each other in marriage before God and witnesses. 

Sex creates an emotional and spiritual tie to that person.  Long after that emotional and physical relationship has ended, you will still feel a connection to them.  In some church circles this is referred to as a soul tie.  In becoming one flesh, you have entwined yourself to them in a spiritual way.  

You are now tied to their sexual past.  In order to move forward from your sexual past, you must ask forgiveness for past sexual misconduct.

1 Corinthians 6:15-20 “15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! 16 Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. 18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”

I bring this passage up because I want to illustrate that a concubine is not technically a prostitute, but men can often treat them like that.  It’s a transactional relationship.  The prostitute provides sex in exchange for money from the man.  In the case of a concubine, the main get’s sex and the concubine get’s to have some level of security…as long as the relationship lasts.  This is a transactional relationship that only exists as long as both parties are getting something from it.

Rule 4 - One man and one woman…no other combinations.

God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.  This is about as straight forward as it gets…pun intended.  Don’t be in a homosexual relationship.  Not even if the man is dressed like a woman…he’s still a dude.  The famous passage in Leviticus 18 very clearly lays out God’s instructions about this.

Leviticus 18:22 “22 You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.”

Today’s generation seems to be having a problem deciding if they are male or female.  Again, this is another area where if you are having trouble deciding the most basic biological facts, you have pushed God aside and have seated yourself on the throne.  You want to be god and make the rules to suite whatever your feelings have said to you on any given day.  And by feelings, I mean satan.  If you are having trouble answering the question: What is a woman?  I’m talking to you.  Let the Bible clear it up for you.

Matthew 19:4-5 “4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?” 

And this brings us to our last point.  If you are single and don’t know what to do.  How about this.

Jeremiah 29:4-6 “4 “Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: 5 Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. 6 Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease.”

Take God’s advice.  Get married, build a house, have kids and plant a garden.  In that order.